On May 31st, our Wonder, “W” turned 4 years-old. In the past ten days she decided that it was time to use the potty exclusively, shedding what she refers to as “bulky” diapers, and to get a “big kid” bed, like her sister “H”. We obliged, and on Thursday evening the girls returned from preschool to find a new “big kid” bed for “W” all set up in their shared room and new down comforters for each girl in their current “favorite colors” (purple for W and pink for H). These are big moments in any family, but for our family this felt like a tremendous milestone… a big exhale. We celebrated “4” in the ways that other families do… everything was pretty normal; W had a birthday party, replete with backyard bounce house, bubbles, and cupcakes. This is a new kind of normal for us. Our “normal” has been so different and so variable that I can hardly accept this moment.
Only weeks after W was born, I thought out loud that I should write a blog about the experience of NICU parenting. I went so far as to keep a list of blog post titles in my phone – one I have to this day – because I was afraid (and rightly so) that I would forget about these moments, these stories before I had the chance to write them. I told multiple people about my intention, but couched it in my reality, thinking, “I do not have time to process this now; we are living in the trenches. One day I will be ready”. So, here I am four years later. It has actually taken that long to be able to talk about these things. I purchased the domain name, Maternaversity, in 2016, but I could not write anything. It was all too raw. I even admitted to my husband and to close friends that I thought I needed to go to therapy “at some point” in order to process my experiences and deal with episodes of overwhelming anxiety. I did this with a laugh, but it took me almost three years to even take that first step towards healing and owning my narrative. I believe it’s called “avoidance”. So, here I am… four years later… ready to share. The reason: this is a happy ending. I have a happy, healthy, smart, beautiful, tenacious four year-old who reminds me every day of what joy and resilience look like. I can do this. She did.
MATERNAVERSITY 